Hearbeat

Today I saw the heartbeat. Unbelievable.......it made me cry...

I was nervous before the scan to a point that I was shaking. Hubby was with me so that was a special moment. tick tick tick.....amazing. We gaot a little photo as well, it is rather blurry but awesome....
So today I am 7 weeks and 3 days...

yay

normal or not????

6 weeks and 4 days today. oh, how I wish it was next Tuesday....countdown to that day...6 days to hopefully see a heartbeat.

I would have thought i would be walking on clouds all the time but reality is different. If I worried during the 2WW I have to admit this is worse. It feels like I am insane.....One day I am spotting and having nausea and tender breast, next day nothing and being convinced that all is going pearshaped, next day a tiny bit of nausea and a little hope is there again, next day nothing and it feels like it is doomed. It is truly unbearable. This uncertainty is driving me nut. The GOOD thing is that i have chatted with a lot of girls who have done exactly the same thing and they all were the same...phuuuuu! I am actually normal..........thank god

Relax Relax Relax

...well, it is easier said than done, but I am trying, this is certain. I had some brown spotting during the night and tiny tiny bit during the day. No cramps at all and boobies are very tender. I had a really bad spell of queasiness today so I just have to assume that all is good. As hubby said to me that there is no point in worrying, what will be will be and there is nothing you do that will change the outcome. If you do everything that you can do to look after yourself and be nice to your body, well, if fate has something else in store it has.
I feel pretty good, so I will be positive. Until proven otherwise I will try to relax end enjoy my pregnancy

spotting

I am spotting. I am totally freaking out. My heart is down to my knees. I had tiny tiny tiny red spot last night when wiping, then nothing during the day..a bit crampy too last night but that disappeared during the day as well so I thought it just might be ok but now it is brown and there spots obviously in my undies (sorry tmi). I am crawling out of my skin and don't know what to do. Hubby is not home either. I am sick with worry. Still got very sore boobs, but a bit crampy again this evening. Dead scared. I am pushing and pushing these thoughts away but it is hard when the cramps are there.
It feels like I will die if this is true. I can't cope more. Please, stay stay, I do anything to keep you. I feel I just want to lie down a cry and kick and scream, terrified of what feeling that might pop up if this is true.
I wonder what the clinic can do if I call them in the morning, maybe another bt and maybe a scan. I don't know. It feels cruel to go through this if this is it this is for nothing. I just don't want to believe it, my card told me this would be true. I am clinging on to that.
Smulan, little champ, stay strong for mummy....

more symptoms please....

Well, today I am 5 weeks and 4 days. Still feeling ok but worried at the same time. It is scary and I am freaking out. I think this is very normal for us who struggled to conceive or maybe ladies who have lost babies. It is a constant worry.
I can't wait for the 7 week scan. In this scan you can see if the baby's heart is beating. Apparently if there is a heartbeat the chance of miscarriage lowers down to five %.
So, this is another 2 week wait......sigh..but don't get me wrong - I am so happy -I am just so scared to loose what I been working on for so long. Do I dare to dream just yet? Well, I have just a tiny bit.....
I can't say that I have a lot of symptoms, I have sore nipples and a burning sensation here and there on the breast (not a lot) and I have been a slightly queasy on a odd day here and there too. Otherwise not really,oh actually I tell I lie, I have had a bit of a headache, probably every afternoon. I been reading (what a surprise!!) on the net that most symptoms will get more obvious in week 6. So, here I am wanting to get more sick (how sick is that!!!) just to know that I am still pregnant!!!!

so so so scared

I don't want to be a pessimistic person..but tonight I am dead scared. I am actually balling my eyes out...it so feels like AF is here. I feel so scared and I feel so vulnerable. I am so scared to loose Smulan.......please please please stay.....It just feel though that heaviness and ache that I normally feel when she is on her way.....I just can't stop crying...I know I shouldn't...not yet.... but it is just so darn hard. I am so scared to loose what I just have got. Don't let it end here....
Why do some of us have to go through this? It is so unfair. It just feels like I should just go to bed right now and hopefully wake up in the morning and everything might just might be ok...

And I just ordered a babymonitor online...and I just been thinking of the finance situation that we are in and been so extremely happy that we won't put ourselves in more dept than we already are.......you know.....if feels like I got everything under control right now....and this have now given me such a scare. I am just wondering if it will ever end.
One of the girls from the Swedish threads just told us that she ( she got a 4 month old baby now) still just think that her baby going to die and she cannot relax whatsoever due to extreme journey it has been so far.....I almost can sense it now. It seems like there are always something to worry about, never to relax fully. It is very sad indeed.
I hope I will wake up tomorrow with no AF and in a bit better spirit. Pray for me.........

no more taking temps.....

..and it does feel weird, it been a routine of mine for a very very very long time, and now, finally I will stop.
It stills feel absolutely surreal, it is a matter of fact very odd. After more than 3.5 years of of hoping and crying and the ups and the lows, it is strange that I am surprised that we finally have succeeded. Of curse there is still plenty of things to worry about but I WILL try to just enjoy that I am pregnant now, if fate have something else stored for me, well, that is something I need to deal with later on.

I went for my blood test yesterday morning and I was waiting and waiting for the call back and when she finally called me she said - "well, your baby will be due on the 15th of January"....WOW - that was magical to hear!!!!
My numbers where great too, my Beta was on 18 dpo 741 (!) and progesterone was 121.

I rang dad last night and told him. I think he felt very cautious for me and didn't say too much actually, except that we needed to borrow a pram for me when I will come and visit him.

I tried to ring mum as well, she is in Sweden, but she was out and about,so I only chatted to grandma for a while.

We won't tell people I suppose until the traditional 12 weeks...exceptions of course to some of my friends....

I am so extremely happy...so so so happy

Baby Aspirin Success

I been waking up early every morning for the last week or so, not sure why. Maybe in the back of my mind I just want to get up to do another hpt...haha
This morning was no exception, I woke up about 4 am but dosed of again until 5.30. I got up, put the kettle on and made a cuppa.
It is 17 dpo today and my two precious lines are getting darker still, what a relief. I sort of sitting here now a reflecting on why this FET was a success . I think there was a lot of factors, but mainly I truly believe it was the baby aspirin that made a difference.....plus that I got a cold sore that lowered my immune system so Smulan could stick. A lot of the girls from one of the forums I am with swear by the kiwi fruit as well, so who knows, maybe with all these things put together along with the acupuncture it was meant to be.
Yesterday I was a bit queasy here and there, hopefully that is a good sign it will stick too.
One more day to go for my real BT. I feel very nervous but at the same time I feel so strong that this one will be my little baby. Tomorrow is a BIG day for me to just make sure the numbers are rising and things looking good, after that I WILL not worry. (I hope so at least!!!!!!)

Smulan - stay stay stay..little beautiful

I been on a high for a few days now, it is Sunday night and I am now freaking out a bit. I been very calm (even though I have had a sob here and there) but I have dull aches this evening that feel tiny bit like AF cramps. I am going crazy thinking this is not going to work.....oh how I wish it was Wednesday and time for my blood test. It honestly always something to go crazy about. I am trying to remain positive - this morning everything felt like perfect and now I am feeling scared. Please stay Smulan..please.....
definitely going to test again in the morning.....
nite night

whoooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

I can't stop crying today!!!!!

I am pregnant...whoooooooooooooo

cute t-shirt

Low and behold but I had to do another hpt test ( my 15th so far - oh dear!!!!) this morning and again - the line is stronger. Whaaaaaaaaaaaat a relief.
I actually didn't sleep very well, I think my mind was racing and hoping and planning and worrying.
i woke up a 5 am and got up around 6 and toke the dog out for a long walk. Thinking again how to tackle Robbo with is anger, there is no fun telling him about this when he is a cranky bum.
Surprise surprise, he was still cranky when he got home from work this morning. No surprises there. i left around 9 to go to the Mall, looking for a Mothers Day gift and maybe something cute for a present to tell Robbo he will become a dad.
Walked around for ages until I found the right baby clothing. It says - 50% daddy 50% mummy 100% perfection on a baby t-shirt. So cute. I did a digital pregnancy test while at the Mall and to my horror the message "Pregnant" disappear after an hour. I thought it was there for 24 hours or so.
Then I had lunch with my mum, it is Mothers day tomorrow and she is flying home to Sweden so i won't see her then. I was dying to tell her, but I didn't. Rob needs to hear first.

I got home around 3 o'clock and i was sussing Rob out to see if he had settle down a bit. He had. Thank god for that. i was trying to wrap his present plus to pee for another digital test, i wanted "Pregnant" to be visable, but hand where shaking so hard and for some reason I did something wrong and it got faulty. In the end i had to give him a crystal clear, normal boring one.....
I told him I had a pressie for him and he open it. He looked at me and said...what? Are your pregnant? Yes i said. How do you know, he said. Well, i had both my blood test done plus a hpt test..look at the test it is in the package.
I can't say I got the result I hoped for, he was very cautious and said not to jump to conclusion yet. Still things can go wrong. Yes, of course, but we are successfully right now......
So, he is not really counting on this just yet. Of course I am scared as well, it is very early, but this is the best result of my life, of course I am going nuts....

Bring on Wednesday so I can relax a notch.......

Smulan rocks!!!!

I woke up and got so excited to do another test this morning. Hubby is cranky with me since last night and is not even talking to me. He is upset with me because I had a coffee (well, not a coffee but a hot chocolate) with his sister he is not talking to. It is a very long story and I won't bore you with it but we he furious with me. I told him that i do not want any negative thoughts during this time so I am practically brushing him. Stupid things like that...for his flesh and blood. PLEASE
Anyway, did a hpt and it was darker again this morning. I just cannot believe it.
My mind is racing and I just thought that i can't wait until Wednesday for a BT, I will go t my local Gp and ask if I can do a blood test. That was fine, but the result won't be in until tomorrow...yikes.....I can I survive until tomorrow?
Work draged on and every minute or so i am obsessively over this...suddenly I get a phone call from the GP and she confirmed with me....I AM PREGNANT. Beta was 55 on 13 dpo which is fairly average I believe. I am just so stoked it feels surreal.
Now, I haven't told hubby yet, I wont tell him when he is a cranky shit. He is working tonight (thank goodness) so I can pull things together...
I just wish things would just be perfect when I tell him. So, now i am tossing up ideas how to tell him.

It has not sunk in yet...but hey....I AM PREGNANT

could it be???? could it??????

Yesterday morning was a bit of shock to wake up with a temp of only 36.60 and I thought maybe I was out. I really hade AF cramps too. I just couldn't help myself but had to do a hpt and there was a line showing up after 12 minutes..I know..a bit late but still. At least a little hope! Work was soooooo slow and I wish I could wake up next week and just know. Anyway, coming come yesterday afternoon I started to spot pink. I got crushed.....but something made me do another hpt and low and behold a line come up quick and was stronger than the morning one. What if this is true? Have we finally been successful? I know the risk with testing early - can easily turn out to be a chem pregnancy but I hope Smulan will stay with us.
Then we come to this morning, I went up and took the dog out for a long walk but I just couldn't get home quick enough to do another hpt. There is still a second line there and it came up quickly and is slightly stronger than yesterdays.

Now, what does this mean? I won't be excited just yet even though I am jumping up and down inside. Just imagine if this is true!!!!!! Amazing and wonderful but it will be my little secret for now, I don't want to give hubby false hope..

Fried brain

hmmm - I been starving all day today. It is very unlike me......Munching on something constantly.....
When finally hubby had our dinner ready (yummy Shepard's pie) and I was washing up - my lower back was aching......could this be a sign? Lets hope so...

Today been crazy thoughts too. Glad I went to the acupuncture this morning. It was like balm on my fried brain....

This 2ww is killing me - every minute and every second my brain is blending a potpourri of scenarios...GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

insane already......2dpt

It feels like I am already going crazy. It is pure torture this. I feel instantly worried that there are no twinges or any signs……I know it is stupid to hope for something like that already….but my mind is constantly thinking about this. I really teared up before, feeling loss already. It is just insane. Then I am trying to think of all the positive thoughts I have had and all the pro active stuff I am actually doing. I been looking at time chart from after transfer and it says this

1dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining ( which is today)
3dpt.. Implantation begins, as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
5dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells &
fetal cells
6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
7dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
8dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on

…so really I should not expect anything until maybe in 4 days……time is just crawling…….probably not a bad idea to go and get another acupuncture. I booked in a time at 7.45 tomorrow morning. Just to calm my insane head down a notch.......

the two week wait begins...

Well, now I am PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise)........

I have one advanced little blasto omboard, and it feels fantastic. Smulan (my nickname for the frostie) survived the thaw well and is now back where he belongs!!!!!

The night before the transfer, after I wrote last piece, I could not sleep due a racing heart. It wass impossible to sleep and relax. I hardly slept all night, truly horrendous. Not only that but during the night I had to get up because my nose was itching like crazy and I realized that I had a cold sore break out on my nose. What the?????? So, then I couldn't sleep due to me worrying about the effect on my transfer. I have not been this healthy for a long time and this happens....so disappointing. I would almost guess that is somehow related to stress maybe. Underlaying stress????

Anyway....after my transfer I got home and me and hubby had lunch and I had a little rest. I felt very tired but stayed awake until my acupuncture appointment took place. This time was very amazing and maybe due my tiredness i got very relaxed. Felt very good. Lois gave me some chinese herbs to take from now on that prevents miscarriage, and keeping uterus strong plus natural progesterone......

I practically laid in bed the rest of the day and read my book. Hubby and I went to be early. Slept like a baby...

Today I have taken it easy most of the day, sitting in front of the computer and read for a while. had a cuppa with my best friend.

Obviously I can't help but dream away of what might be. I been ready for so long.....
.......10 more days before my BT...the very tough 2WW has begun...

Eve of transfer of my eskimoe.....

Thank goodness I am going to a friends house for dinner tonight.....I just want it to be 10.40 tomorrow morning and my transfer has been done. When the clinic rang today and told me what time I had to be there she prepared me for the thaw failure possibility. The doc told me a while back that maybe I should be prepared for one of them not thawing ok. Last time I did a FET my embryo was ok, so even though I feel very worried in a sense, that give me a little space of hope that I will still have one left for later use. It just amazes me how there are always something to worry about, it just never ends.
I even wonder what the hell I am paying for in "natural cycle"...$2395 it cost plus $400 tomorrow. They have only done bloods maybe times and preparing for this thaw..how can that cost so much? I find this shit a schimosol, I think they take advantage of the infertile world. Sucks BIG TIME...anyway...that is different matter.
I went to the gym after work, felt pretty good to get a sweat going. I think tomorrow morning I am going for a long walk with Champ (my dog) and maybe a nice brekkie with hubby or maybe El ( my best friend who is up to Sydney)...then off to transfer and later on acupuncture. I bought three books yesterday and looking forward to laying in bed and just read and relax for two days. Ain't going anywhere else!!!!!!!

IF there is anyone listening out there.....pray for me tomorrow......Please let it be my magic time..

Actually..talking about magic - i did a tarot reading online yesterday and i was totally blown away with the cards.
I had to choose 12 card out of 52 . Low and be hold the first card was "two cups" and is significant to birth of child. AMAZING and let me tell you..about another 4 cards was about having kids/family and change of future. I usually don't do things like this but the despair of clinging to hope is very strong.......

Anyway, a new day tomorrow......fingers crossed for a nice little embryo......

Doing My Absolute Best

Lovely Monday morning this morning. Sun is out bit a bit bitey, but so nice. I am just sitting and reflecting on what is coming up. Yesterday I went for my BT and I have now ovulated. The lining looks good (Phew!) and my transfer will be next Saturday. I can't wait for it. Even hubby is getting excited this time - rubbing my tummy as if I am already pregnant. He never normally even say a pip about it. Yesterday he gave me a massive cuddle and whispered his hope for this one. It made me teary.
I just can't help thinking about my friend who last year said to me that in her "cards" could see that May was my month. Well, it didn't happen last year - so maybe it will be this May? Stupid little signs that I am looking for but I can't help it.
I feel that I have done all I can do to help my embryo to stick. Firstly I cut down on my coffee, I think it was around the new year when I cut down to one cup. Now, since the Chinese herbalist I went to I drink none. I cut down my drinking and now I won't drink anything at all. I eat kiwifruit every day, which apparently is good for implantation and a natural blood thinner. I am munching on baby aspirin as well, since 2 month back. It is getting the blood to flow easier and to help implantation. I have done acupuncture and will do so on transfer day as well.
I will have two days of relaxing at home on transfer day and the next day.
I don't think there is anything else I possible can do more. This will be my best shot. I am very hopeful.
Let the 12th of May come soon for my BT!!!

hope

Life changes fast. The woman I was speaking about in the previous post, the one that finally got pregnant after her 5th try....well, she had a miscarriage. So so so so sad, in fact feel so sad that I feel a bit ill. It just comes to show that you can't trust things just like that. It can go in speed of light. Very scary indeed.
I had a bit of issue with my lining this time, apparently it was on the thin side (7.3) but yesterday when I had another scan it had thicken up (thank Goodness) - tomorrow I am off again for another BT which would be the last one I would think. If tomorrow is THE day I should have the transfer next Friday or Saturday.
Hubby been very cute today and been rubbing my tummy already. I told him this time he just have to be calm and collected for me, no stress no anger etc. I given it my best and so should he. But this time HE is very excited and very hopeful. He actually never expressed any type of hope before so I find this very nice indeed.

Highs and Lows

This morning I got butterflies in my stomach and feel a bit worried. Not sure why. I been very happy the last few days and very excited, yesterday I went to the clinic for a scan and BT. Lining looked good and when they called later on for my blood they told med I needed to come back on Thursday for another BT - so no ovulation yet. We were hoping to that ovulation would occur on Friday - because I got 5 days off and hubby got 4 days off - we could go down to the South coast to see his mum.
Yesterday was hubby's dad's 3 year passing anniversary and it would have been nice to be able to go down there for Jan. Anyway - we just have to wait and see.
I been reading a post by one of the Swedish thread and one of the girls is pregnant after her fifth ivf and she is just over the moon by it. It is so lovely to read but at the same time it is very hard. She is saying all those things I want to say when and if I get there. I think plainly I feel a bit depressed today.
I am scared that I been so confident about this cycle...the fall is just going to be so much harder.

I really hate not to know if this will ever happen. Imagine if I just by chance was told that I WILL get pregnant sooner or later but a definite yes. How my world would change….!!!!This business not knowing is the killer in this infertile hell.

I am fantasizing how I would tell my partner. I bought a children’s naming book about two years ago that is deep down in a bag somewhere hiding. One thought was to give him that book with a positive pregnancy test. The other is to write something like “Hello daddy – I will see you in 9 months” on my tummy when it happens for him to discover.

God, please let it happen soon. I am desperate to go and buy some cute clothes or pram or pregnancy books but above all I am desperate for getting a tummy with a little bub in. The most natural thing in the world – please let it happen to me!!

I promise I will be a good mummy, I promise I will do everything in my power to give my child the best childhood and start of life. Me and hubby has so much to give…..it would be a waste of two grownup people not to have a child…please please please

It is weird though, when you start to FEEL that something is about to happen...sort of a tingling feeling in you toes. The sense of hope get your hair to stand up in the back of your neck when you think of the possibilities if this time it might be our time. Sometimes I think -why not? This just might be our moment and the next you feel so fragile thinking of the extreme opposite. Highs and lows...

Four Needles

Last night I went to the acupuncture lady. It WAS very interesting , she asked me to bring all of our test result and all my temp charts etc. Lois, her name is, spend about 1.5 h with me talking about my history. It was nice to just get it out there. She obviously have heard it before...
Anyway, she looked at my charts and said they all looked almost perfect and there wasn't anything wrong there at all. Then she looked at all our blood test etc and all is good with myself. She said acupuncture would help with the embryo transfer and wanted me there on transfer day. If we would do another medicated cycle she wanted my hubby there (good luck!!!)so he could improve his sperm, but as we doing frozen embryos now it is not so important.

Then we had a chat about diet and stuff and I told her how my day to day diet looked like. She really wanted me to stop coffee all together and no alcohol . And due to my Yang she wanted me to eat a warm brekkie like porridge (wtf - yikes).......
Oh, well,...ok I will try.....

Then I laid on the table and she put in four needles, one on each hand imbetween the tumb and the index finger and then one on each side of just below the knee.

Last time I did this, it was horrid, i got very agitated and it hurt. Last night could still feel was tensing up, especially around my neck but as time passed it got more relaxed. I laid there for 20 minutes. So I will do this after my transfer.
Lois said she will give me some herbs after my transfer, not now due to everything looked pretty good.
I had very vivid dreams last night about babies and other fertility test.....not sure what that means....

I been a bit nauseated during the day today and an upset tummy...migh be a side effect - who knows...

One of the girls in the Swedish thread announced her pregnancy today. I feel very glad for her but still a bit sad for myself.

Tomorrow is blood test day...I will keep updating.....

nitey night

peppermint tea and dentist

Sitting here and drinking yummy peppermint tea. How good is it!

Day four of my new cycle. Hmmm....yes surprise surprise. No natural miracle last cycle. So, here we gor - try #48...here we come...a FET cycle is planned!

How can time be so slow? I called the clinic on Friday and my first BT is next Sunday. It feels like forever until then. My average ovulation lately is aprrox on CD15 and then I need to add another 5 days for the blasto wait…..so maybe around the 27^th or so will I get my transfer. A bit over 2 weeks away – could be longer as well. You never know with the cycles – they seem to do exactly the opposite to what you want. Now therefore I am doing a bit of a health kick before the big day. Eating kiwi fruit every day (apparently good for implantation), taking baby aspirin and no wino….oh yes and exercising 3 times a week. I have changed my habit in the caffeine department as well – only one cup of coffee per day and same goes with tea. I do drink a few cups of herbal tea instead. I have done this since January.

The only other thought that I could do is to go to a Chinese herbalist, some people swear by them. Not sure it is for me, I would truly believe in it if I did have some problems with my self as thyroid issues or ovulation problems etc. But I don’t. One of my friends has a friend who does this for a job and she used her and feels very positive about it. I might consider talking to her about our own issues. I am willing to try most things – can’t see it would hurt. I did try acupuncture before and hated it. I need to get my head around it a bit. I will update about that later on.

Off to the dentist tomorrow morning. That is too one of my resolutions I wanted to do before next cycle. I went to the dentist about a month ago with two holes that I have had forever and ever and they been giving my grief for a very long time. I somewhat believe it can’t be good to have these teeth infections while doing these ivf tries. I can’t really afford going again (not a month ago either actually) but I got one more filling to do so if I am spending several thousands in ivf soon I want to give it my best shot. So – off I go again and hopefully won’t see them again for years ahead.

Like Honey To A Bee

Today - 10dpo – I have now stared at the POAS about 200 times and it is only lunch time! I started the hpt 3 days ago which in it self is ridicules. To be able to get a positive that early is virtually impossible. There are of course exceptions to the rule. The reason I have looked at the evil little stick is because every now and then it looks like a faint line and then again –voila - no line. It is driving my nuts. How can a person imagine things like this? It is just insane. I just want time to click over til tomorrow so I can do another test. It is amazing how addictive they are when you start. I bought one during lunch as well – different brand but definitely no line there. (i.e very expensive too)

When we started to TTC I never ever bought the evil stuff – just waited until the witch was here and got sad. Since I started ivf about a year ago I been totally addicted. A couple of month back I bought a 50 pack on the net – which means the little buggers are very cheap – and I am finding myself doing one test in the morning and one in the evening. Hubby would forbid me if he new.

It is very odd that I put myself through this pain – I would almost say that since I started my addiction it always was one test at least that gave me some hope. Is it something there? Yes!? No!? But it is like honey to the bee – impossible to go past it. I just have to see if my dreams are coming true…as soon as I can…now now now …I just want to know and please please please let my dream come true. Well, probably not this month – how stupid am I to actually still have hope?

low day.....

Today is low day. Not sure why. I sort of felt rather strong lately but obviously I am not. Woke up fairly early and went to the gym and after that for a very slow day at work. I been reading on the net a bit, maybe that is why. Just feeling very flat and low and crying right here and right now. I feel very lonely. I just want this nightmare to stop. Sigh......tomorrow is new day...

Am I an Alien?

So...I have finally ovulated and am on 3dpo. Pretty good planning now for my FET...which will give me (hopefully) a bub in the new year.

Last night we had a virtual babyshower for two ladies in one of the threads I am following. They are the first two that is having a baby since the thread started. One was in hospital and was about to give birth as we had the shower. Pretty amazing. It really was an amazing moment actually - who would have thought you could find friends on the nest like that? I suppose we have been following each other over a year and a half. we are all over 35 and probably struggle a bit longer than younger ivf'ers.
On the other, Swedish, thread I am with, two more ladies announced they where pregnant. For some reason that felt heavy. One of them on their first try and the other one just happen to fall naturally.....

It made me feel like an alien, why is this so hard? A weirdo that can't get pregnant....if feels like I am the only one. I know I am not, but hey, it sure doesn't feel normal. Maybe I am from outer space..

Their pregnancies just brought me down a notch....I am very happy for them but I feel a bit pissed off that it won't happen for me.

I will start to think about my upcoming FET instead...yes that is making me a bit more positive. A chance for me soon. I can't wait.

Cd 15 today and still no ovulating – it is starting to get a little bit slippery down there so maybe it is on its way. A few more days would be good, only because of if I don’t get pregnant that will mean I can go ahead to do my FET next cycle and still be ok for the maternity scheme. Lets say I am ovulating on cd 17 and my lutheal phase is 14 days, that will be the 25^th of March so my due date (full term) would be the 13^th of January. A few more days would be ideal, but hey, I can’t choose everything!!! But I really starting to get excited for the FET.

I am putting up so much hope for this one..please please!!!!

It is funny..but we will try our hardest naturally too THIS month of course......I don't know why I still have that glimmer of hope for a natural conception.....??????

Anyway..bring APRIL on

Can I please have a pasta carbonara and a baby please!!!

On the weekend I was asked “when are you two having kids”. Having???? Having????WTF??? Gee, how simple would that be…..I am having spaghetti carbonara for dinner …and one kid please. People that have not experience this shit journey of being infertile…arghhh…it can make me furious sometimes.

It is so hard even to try to explain, where do you start? Not only after the shock of not being pregnant after the “magic” year of trying, other things start to creep up on you. Starting to get scared that there is something wrong with you and for some couples, like us, it took quite a lot of persuading for my partner to even go and get tested. In the mean time I for example started to use ovulation prediction kits so hopefully know when you ovulated and have a better chance of conceiving. No joy, then I started to take my temps to help me understand my cycle (I still use it - it is very addictive)and to make sure things are ok there. (Charts tell you a lot about your cycle) ......Sex is still ok – you have fun lying with your feet up for half an hour or bunking 4 pillows under you butt while sleeping after attempts of babymaking. We have had good laughs about this!!!

Now suddenly 2 years has passed. No baby. We know by now that there is sperm problem for our part, but still not so bad that it is impossible. About 5% chances we got apparently. Not a lot but hey – we got to try anyway. It is about now when I start to get extremely upset while seeing other woman around me getting pregnant. I have lots and lots of times rushed into a bathroom and cried my eyes out. It is a pain in my heart that rarely goes away but it enhanced on certain occasions. You start to have silly ideas about your own fertility and think there must be something you are being punished for. Maybe my partner will leave me now? Stupid things like that pops up.

Then the moment comes where you start to receive help. IVF. Another chapter in our lives where the hope is colossal – deep inside you feel so relieved that now finally things will happen. Thank goodness for technology. But for a lot of the couples it still is a long journey ahead. After 3 ivf’s and 3.5 years later for us - we still have no joy and sometimes I am so scared that it makes me ill. Plus so disappointed beyond despair. I am sick of waiting but I have no choice. It could driveanybody nuts. My partner is much more relaxed about it - I think it is a female thing.

Just imagine having sex for 3.5 years (and beyond for other couples) with back of your mind that is for making of a baby....ALL the time. Gee, in the beginning it was amazing – a special moment of the maybe conception…..then it is all about when you have special mucus or your temp is very low or that the ovulation kit has given you a plus…very romantic indeed.

Just imagine seeing all of your friends and other people around you walking around with a babybump or stroller with a cute little newborn in it – it is so in your face of how lonely and empty your own life is. Of course there is anger sometimes and jealousy and lots of tears. Mostly it is just sheer pain and loss of something so special that I just want to cry thinking about it. Then THAT friend is having her second child – all during that time you have been trying. It sucks. Sometimes I can’t handle it. I every so often decide not to go to gatherings – avoiding the impact.

I don’t know it if is a blessing most of the time that people do not talk to you about it – I believe I would be very upset with their ignorance. How can you understand something like this if you haven’t experienced it? I still though get upset with people who are insensitive. You are almost damned if you do and damned if you don't...sort of anyway.

Then we have the age issue too. I know I left it late - we started to try when I was 34. I am now 38. I don't want to be older...I be 39 before the future baby arrives....yikes

OK, we are now well into this cycle. I am on cd 16 today and no ovulation yet, I wish I could delay it for another week, but that probably will be impossible. I think I will just "miss out" the next cycle again,if I fall pregnant then there is a massive chance of having the baby just around the end of the year and still miss out of the paid maternity leave scheme. I don't want to wait longer but I think it would be just silly to go ahead. The paid maternity leave will give us about $10 000, so it will be worth it for sure!!!!
I am just itching to start again....

ok....my head has been going in circles.......I am on cd 7 today. I had booked in an appointment with the clinic on tuesday (cd10) and was going to go ahead with my FET. I been calculating away and dreaming away about having the little bub in the end of the year. Then I had a brain explosion......aha.......I just remembered that the Australian government is about to start their historic scheme about paid maternity leave, which will contain 18 weeks of paid leave. That will start January 1 2011. If I fall pregnant during that FET, I would miss out with one month!!!!!!! That would be so unfortunate that it would drive me insane...so after hubby and I spoke we have decided to cancel this FET and wait another month. I been waiting 3.5 years...another month is just silly to "risk" for that high benefit. If I would get pregnant and then have a premature little one...well that is just fate then.

So we will have a natural cycle this time around.

I just can't believe it. 18 weeks paid leave is so good, well maybe not to Swedish standards, but compared to zero payment it is huge.

I have as well started to eat kiwi fruit every day and I am taking baby aspirin as well. Kiwi fruit is apparently good form implantation (as well as pineapple) and baby aspirin is great for the uterus and get the blood flow going a bit easier and that helps with implantation as well. Mind you, this does not suit all ladies....good to have your FS approval first.
i been researching this a bit and taking baby aspirin has had quite a significant higher pregnancy rate in those studies that has been done. I am very excited.....

It feels like I can smell it it now!!!!!!! please let me have something positive happening......soooooooooooooooon

Today, 13 dpo I got full on AF. Very sad day indeed. No miracle.....nothing. Why can't it happen to me?
To tired and to sad to writ anything really. I will ring the clinic tomorrow to book in time for my FET this month....cycle month number 45...here we come

Today, or rather, this afternoon, I am struggling a bit. Suddenly I am in a little bit of a panic state over thinking about my friend whom might be pregnant. This is a very very hard subject. I almost feel ill just thinking about it....and it has probably not even happen. I am just extremely scared that she will get pregnant before me.

It scares me to death actually. It is not that I don't want her to become a mum, it is all about me. I am scared of how I will react. I am scared that everybody else can fall pregnant except me. I am scared that my partner will leave me, I am getting to be an old hag....what is in for him....???? I am scared that I will be angry with people that I care about just because they have an egg and an sperm that wants to live in their uterus and grow to a baby. I am scared that I will never ever will be holding a little baby in my arms that I could care and love to bits.

We have now been trying for 3.5 years and every moment been a struggle. She been with her man for a year and been trying for 6 months. I almost considering talking to her about my thoughts. So if and when it happens she might know I might react very oddly. She is a beautiful person and friend and I don't want to loose her friendship due to me being jealous and hurt. She desperately wants kids too! She never had an opportunity to even have kids earlier due to bad choices in men, now she got one and here I am being horrible. I just can't help it. I think sometimes that I would be crushed into pieces that nobody ever would fit the pieces together ever again.
Today I read about infertility, somebody's blogg, and OMG it is so depressing. There are women out there who never get to have kids. Imagine if I am one of them. What if I never ever can get pregnant? That thought is just so scary it makes me just leave that thought straight away.

I feel me and hubby have so much to give. Why me? Why us?

I just know I will be a bitter bitch that nobody can love if this continuous.
I truly hate this. It is unfair. There are so many kids out there who have unloving parents, how on earth did they get to be parents?

There is one word in how I feel today and what is happening right now......things SUCKS!!!

I haven't been here for a very long time. I suppose lots of things has happen and at the same time nothing. I feel like I been through hell and back.
I have now got 3 ivf's done and 2 FET's, gee, that is just depressing thinking about it. On the second ivf I was successful but lost the baby before I could blink. I had to do a D&C which was horrid. When you walking around and yu know you got a baby in there but its dead, when the wait has been so so long for it to happen, it is just cruel. That was tough.
Then third ivf I had such good numbers in eggs, 15 of them and 9 fertilized. I was so stoked.

Until the 5 day transfer, I had one put in and sitting there the lady told me that you could not tell me untill tomorrow if I had any to freeze. there and then I just knew that I wouldn't have any to freeze, no any other time do they "survive" after they have second thoughts. I just cried the hole way home from the transfer, usually the transfer is magical moment but this time my heart just sank to my knees and i just feel cheated on all those great updates on how good my embryos been doing every day.
My poor little embryo I had put in, not the best environment for it.
Sure enough, next day they rang and told me that I had none to freeze. i was crushed. This was my last medicated cycle and the panic was in full swing. I got depressed straight away, and i just felt that I never ever was going to be a mummy.

Two weeks later I started to bleed like a tap. The disappointment was massive. I have never ever been so low in my hole life.
It has taken me a couple of months to dug myself up from that hole.
The only thing that keeps me going is that I got 2 embryos in the freezer from ivf try #2 and that cycle I got pregnant so i hope that those frosties are from a good batch and that they will give me a bfp.

I have tried really hard this month to be healthy and doing a "natural" cycle has been rather a breeze. I did have a very odd cycle as in that i was ovulating very late (I think all the meds from ivf stuffs your body around) and accordingly to Fertility Friend we have BD;ed perfect this time. I am 6 dpo today and i had a massive temp dip which of course I hope is an implantation dip. In one way I truly hate to have these "signs" as I get my hope up and think maybe that I am pregnant and then as per usual it is negative.
secretly though i have a really good feeling this time so ...... well, i am hoping for a little miracle. Please...
this is my 45th cycle of trying.