Today, or rather, this afternoon, I am struggling a bit. Suddenly I am in a little bit of a panic state over thinking about my friend whom might be pregnant. This is a very very hard subject. I almost feel ill just thinking about it....and it has probably not even happen. I am just extremely scared that she will get pregnant before me.

It scares me to death actually. It is not that I don't want her to become a mum, it is all about me. I am scared of how I will react. I am scared that everybody else can fall pregnant except me. I am scared that my partner will leave me, I am getting to be an old hag....what is in for him....???? I am scared that I will be angry with people that I care about just because they have an egg and an sperm that wants to live in their uterus and grow to a baby. I am scared that I will never ever will be holding a little baby in my arms that I could care and love to bits.

We have now been trying for 3.5 years and every moment been a struggle. She been with her man for a year and been trying for 6 months. I almost considering talking to her about my thoughts. So if and when it happens she might know I might react very oddly. She is a beautiful person and friend and I don't want to loose her friendship due to me being jealous and hurt. She desperately wants kids too! She never had an opportunity to even have kids earlier due to bad choices in men, now she got one and here I am being horrible. I just can't help it. I think sometimes that I would be crushed into pieces that nobody ever would fit the pieces together ever again.
Today I read about infertility, somebody's blogg, and OMG it is so depressing. There are women out there who never get to have kids. Imagine if I am one of them. What if I never ever can get pregnant? That thought is just so scary it makes me just leave that thought straight away.

I feel me and hubby have so much to give. Why me? Why us?

I just know I will be a bitter bitch that nobody can love if this continuous.
I truly hate this. It is unfair. There are so many kids out there who have unloving parents, how on earth did they get to be parents?

There is one word in how I feel today and what is happening right now......things SUCKS!!!