Today on cd 6 and feeling very low, which I have done for a couple of days. I thought I handled the Af pretty well this month.
But deep down I think that this situation is wearing me thin. I had a breakout of cold sores yesterday and felt extremely tired. I think this is taking a toll on me without me even admitting that i was stressed. Now I know that I was. I have never believed so much that i thought i was pregnant as i did last cycle. Consider the very high temps, that i was late for AF and tiny bit of spotting.

Today one of my friends told me she is pregnant again and even though I am happy for her it is like a kick to my stomach. I hate myself for being so selfish and inconsiderate for her but I still feel angry and upset. Here I am, been trying for so long and she gets pregnant just like that, like a click with the fingers. I truly believe that nobody can understand what us, the infertile couple, goes through. It is inhumane. Months after months it is ripping my heart and soul out, being on the brink of sanity. For something as beautiful as being pregnant a lot of us can't even be civil to people around us being pregnant or people making stupid comments about just relax and it will happen. It is like my persona is changing and it is not to the better, that is for sure.

I feel very much like - why me? - what have I done to deserve this? - nobody understands! - i cannot bare it anylonger! - I give up - I cannot give up - leave me alone - help me it feels like i am about to die - i don't care- whatever happens happen - hope - glimmer of intense happiness - light at the end of the tunnel - hope again - utterly darkness - despair - repeat.......repeat ......months after months after months.

You would not wish this on your worst enemy.

What a lifeless life without kids......

Cycle Jan 09 – TTC cycle no 30

Cycle Jan 09 – TTC cycle no 30

CD2. temp 36.30. Bad AF, feeling nauseated. Crap.

CD 9. temp 36.26. We have now been off the drink for about 5 days and planning to do no alcohol at all for a month and then very limited intake. I bought hubby Menevit as well which is a vitamin supplements for men with targeting fertility. BD due to we can’t do it tomorrow if I am ovulating normal time this cycle as I have ovulated 2 days later than normal the last to cycles. ( it might be a bit early..but I don’t want to risk it) .Legs up for 1 hour.

CD 10. Temp 36.32. creamy cm. Started to take guaiphenensin (cough medicine) to get more watery CM during fertile time. Did not see Rob today.

CD 11. Temp. 36.33. Pretty watery CM. I took cough medicine 3 times during the day as well. BD at night with using Preseed for the first time. Legs up in the air for 30 minutes. Had a little niggling feeling in my right ovary, but nothing to bad.

CD 12. Temp 36.30. Took cough medicine 3 times. Hot hot weather today plus it will be very hot during the night. Hope it doesn’t stuff up my chart. BD at night with preseed, legs up for about 45min.

CD 13. Temp 36.20. And it was a hot hot night…was 25C when I woke up at 7 am. Will probably ovulate today or tomorrow then…until this morning I haven’t had really any pain in ovary except a couple of days ago….It is now nighttime and I haven’t had any watery CM, very odd as this time I been drinking robitussin, but today it was practically creamy which is not fertile at all. Just a little niggling feeling in my right ovary, so who knows, I might even ovulate even later this months> We won’t BD tonight, save it up for tomorrow…. Extremely hot day and now really hot to – 10pm and it is about 30C outside still…where is the storm????

CD 14. temp 36.19. Aircon all night. Hot hot. BD in the morning. Bum up for 30min. A bit of Watery cm when I woke up. Just a tiny bit of watery cm during the day, which is very odd as I usually have plenty. Maybe the cough medicine is playing up my cycle, which again seems odd. Hardly any ovary pain either, maybe I am thinking of it too much this cycle so the ovulation will be even later…Well, time will tell tomorrow. Almost fainted on a job today…Had a glass of wine too at night.

CD 15. Temp 36.29. Hot night again but sleep well. So temp up slightly, maybe ovulating today then, even though I can’t feel anything and hardly have any water mucus which I usually have plenty of. Very very odd. Will be around 40C today and I am doing a wedding today, yikes. I will drink plenty of water. Ended up in 45C – mad – really hard day. When driving home from the wedding it was 22C!!!!

Came home and had really eggwhite Cm and BD at night. Bum up for 45min. so this cycle I can’t say I felt any egg release which I have done before, actually the hole cycle been a bit odd.

CD 16. 1 dpo. Yeay!! Temp 36.58. So I ovulated yesterday I think I can state. My hole body feels sore today. Bring on the TTW!!!

2 dpo. Temp 36.72. Nipples tender all day. Good mood.!

3 dpo. Temp 36.58. Ovulation confirmed by FF, I am on 3 dpo. Nipples still tender.

4dpo Temp 36.80. Woke up at 6.20 feeling a bit nauseous and hot. Still tender nipples. I felt crampy down there as on AF. Felt like taking painkillers.

Why can’t I just forget the next 2 weeks and just know the result? I constantly have symptoms and twinges that make me hope really bad and then get disappointed.

5 dpo. Temp 36.83. just slightly tender nipples in the morning. Sort of less tender along the day. Not good I suppose. Otherwise nothing really. Damn. Lot of things tasted funny today but I tried a few new things to eat as well for lunch….Been a bit hormonal today, had a few spurts of crankiness here and there.

6 dpo. Temp 36.77. Went to be early last night but woke up a bit during the night due to heartburn and vivid dreams. Headache in the morning and very tired. Nipples still sore. Feel a bit depressed this morning too. Was a bit up and down all day. A little periodpain-feeling at night. Tired and went to bed early.

7 dpo. Temp 36.89. Nipples just only tender if I squeeze them (?!?). Nothing so far. Felt so hungry before lunch that I felt sick. After that ok, late afternoon I have a bit of periodpain-feeling pain again. It is so weird, I do not really think of that too much as I have had that before and in my heart thought I might be pregnant, but how is it that I never ever have felt that when not TTC????? Is it only wishful thinking?

8 dpo. Temp 36.90. Slept very bad, woke up several times with pins and needles in arms and legs. Somehow I slept like I was unconscious if that makes sense. Nipples only slightly sore still if a squeeze them (/!?!)

I have not really felt anything so far today, feel very disappointed. Went on a boat half the day for work and didn’t drink a lot of fluid, I did have a dizzy spell last night but that could have been due to the lack of fluid. Tired and fell a sleep on the sofa around 8.30 but that again could been due to the boat trip.

9 dpo. Temp 36.80 but took it earlier than normal. Slept a bit bad again with pins and needles in my arms. I really feel a bit down again today, no cramps or anything. Not looking promising. Before lunch I had a weird feeling, started to feel really weak and shaky plus a dull queasiness. That disappeared after I ate. Nothing otherwise.

10 dpo. Temp 36.88. Woke up with hot flushes around 1 am and was very thirsty. Then I had very vivid dreams. Went to bathroom in the morning and there was pinkish CM. Now, that is odd. I usually start my period on 14 dpo. I felt really queasy driving to work and it hit me that last few times I have felt nauseous the day before AF. Felt bummed.

During the day, sort of before lunch I felt really queasy again. That disappeared after lunch. Then I had periodpain feeling for quite a while, had to check in bathroom several times due to it felt af was coming. Had pinkish colored when I wiped once. About 5ish it started to disappear. I was so confused because it seems on FF that I definitely ovulated on day 15 and for my luteal phase to be around 10 days seems very unlikely. So, my panic that af was coming is now a glimmer of hope. Took temp at night and it was only 36.77 so I got worried again.

11 dpo. Temp 36.92. So no af, that is good. Don’t feel anything in the morning anyway. Before lunch I felt really quesy again and after I eaten it got better. Got really hungry at 4.30 and had to eat. Felt sick around 6 pm and got home about 7.30 and feel really sick and had cramps, but I just went to the bathroom and I have lots of spotting. I am feeling so confused and disappointed. 11 dpo is so early for af and why is this happening?S

12 dpo. Temp 36.98. Wow. Might be intresting…..Not really anything during the day except spotting….well very uncertain again.

Rob and I drove down to Moruya for 4.5 hours. A little crampy here and there.

13 dpo. Temp 36.66. Oh, no. Felt rally bummed. Felt really quessy all day an unbeleviable fatuige, I had two naps. Tiny bit of spotting.

14 dpo. Temp 36.99. What? That was odd. I somehow hope that embrey implanted yesterday and that’s why I have spotting and temp dip. Really tired again

15 dpo. Temp 36.88. Nothing in the morning but later on spotting again. I rally do not understand this, if my period is coming why is my temp so high? Tiny cramps. Rested pretty much all day.

16 dpo. Temp not known as we woke up 4.45 and left and drove home which took 5.5 hours. But have rather much spotiing/AF while driving…so I will just wait and see. Not hurting at all though as normal af.

Cycle Dec 08 – Jan 09 + TWW - 29th time of trying.

Cycle Dec 08 – Jan 09 + TWW - 29^th time of trying.

I haven’t done this upon CD 13 due to being rather down, I have done my temp everyday and thought I ovulated on day 10 (left ovary)due to temp dip and watery CM and bad pain on ovary.

CD 13. Had a temp up today really high (36.61) which was odd. Felt extremely nauseas, prob due to xmas drinks. Mixed white and red wine, maybe that was the reason because I didn’t drink copious amounts. No BD, as we hardly saw each other, unfortunately.

CD 14. Temp down to 26.24. BD. Really sticky and humid today, I been working. Had ovary pain (right ovary) at night pretty strong but not to much watery CM.

CD15. Ovulation day? Temp up slightly to 36.35. BD ( did the different thing of having me orgasm first)

CD16. 1 dpo. Prob ovulated yesterday. (not confirmed by FF) Temp up heaps today to 36.75. I felt a bit nauseated today but that can’t be of any meaning. BD.

2 dpo. Temp 36.60 (a bit early checking). Went for a long walk. Again felt slightly nauseous during the day upon til lunch. Still feeling it can’t have any impact but still a fact.

3 dpo. Temp 36.66. Ovulation day confirmed by FF. Woke up with a blocked nose which disappeared. When for a long walk. New years eve, had to work during the morning. Came home and had lunch, then a looong nap. Rather unusual.

4 dpo. Temp 36.67. Very vivid dreams with me getting lots of positive HPT in one dream and different scenarios, it was very exciting! Felt dizzy went I got up, nothing else really.

5dpo. Temp up to 36.84. Found it very hard to get out of bed. Slept like 10 hours but was still tired. No dreams or dizziness, just a normal day. Jawnie all day. Usch.

6 dpo. Temp 36.75. Woke up feeling that I was getting a cold with a headache. Went out for a walk. Mid morning feeling a bit queasy, but not really full on nausea at all. Hard to describe. Cold feeling disappeared. Really tired, been in bed with shivers half the day feeling queasy (it was 23C inside and DH sitting in shorts and me in pants, socks, a jumper and a duna and by the way; shouldn’t it be the opposite? Heard of hot flashes….). So, maybe I am just getting sick. Had another 1-hour nap in the late afternoon with me getting lightheaded when I got up. After that I have felt normal, I am really getting paranoid, am I wanting it so bad that I imagine things? I hope not. For dinner I was craving some spicy food so I made pasta with chili tuna sauce with it.

7dpo. Temp up to 36.88. WOW. Had a bit of a bad sleep around 3 am though. Its lunchtime now and there is nothing really to report, only felt a tiny bit of lightheadness when cleaning the kitchen floor. But good I suppose that I am not sick today. Went fo a walk midday. It is now 7pm and I am feeling low, after obsessing over this I suddenly feel there is no hope. I did have a power nap during afternoon but otherwise nothing. Why am I imagining all these symptoms, can’t I just wait to Af and see what’s happening instead of listening to every little twinge my body gives me. I am on the border of giving up, yes yes, I know that I will continue next month the urge is to strong. What type of life would you have if there was no children? Honestly, why bother at all…..if I only could get an answer if I ever was going to get pregnant…..if I somehow knew, it would be easier each week to battle on. Does that make sense?

What happen with the other things I have felt upon til today? Just a teaser? Give me some hope……please. Secretly I have been hoping for an early HPT tomorrow being my birthday and all.

8 dpo. My 37^th birthday. Temp 36.84. Woke up after a really bad night sleep, I woke up around 12 and hardly slept until 4 am. I got really hot and bothered. I couldn’t help my self but I did a HPT, what did it show…minus of course. I know it is extremely early but I have read that some people had a result by then. Anyway, been feeling really low all day. How can the mind go so stupidly and imagining all these symptoms all the time? It amazes me. All day today though it has not been twinge or symptom at all. So on the way home from work I said to my self that next month I will try and relax a bit more.

I got home and went to the bathroom and I had spotting…..?…?….? wow, could this be implantation spotting? It was fairly much in red/brown color with CM. Surely I hope that FF has not been calculating my chart wrong. I have never had the spotting in the CM before though. My hope has risen…..please please.

9 dpo. Temp 37.10. Slept exceptionally bad and been feeling ill. Was home from work. Tired. Dizzy once after having a nap. No cramps at all which worries me. No spotting. Feel again that its bummed cycle.

10 dpo. Temp 36.73. Temp down so I felt a bit depressed. Went into the shower, to my surprise I saw through the mirror when I was finished that my bumps on my nipples had doubled on the right breast (is not sensitive at all though) plus a huge blue vein on the right breast as well. Now, that is odd, because I have read about that but never seen anything like that before. Anyway, during the day nothing at all so of course I doubt it again. On my last job for the afternoon I started to feel really spacey in my head and starting to be a bit shaky. Plus hungry at 6pm, which is unusual for me, I don’t want dinner to at least after 7pm. I think I will test again tomorrow….

11 dpo. Temp 36.73. First I thought that I shouldn’t test but couriosity was stronger….tested with discover onestep and it was a faint faint faint faint plus, practically just in certain light. So I don’t feel confident at all. What to do, what to do????

Anyway, went to work and again all day no symptoms at all. Late afternoon it started to feel a bit like af cramps and I been a bit of a bad mood here and there and I am not convinced at all. I just amazes me that one day (or one hour) you practically believe that there is something and the next absolutely nothing. So, no dizziness at all at 17.46. I will be back later. Nothing to report.

12 dpo. Temp 36.68. Woke up at 5.30am with a hot flush even though it was only 18C in the room plus couldn’t go back to sleep. Tested this morning – negative. Feel a bit nauseous which I usually do one day before my AF anyway. I was so hoping after that spotting I had on 8 dpo. This is honestly driving my insane. How much can a person take? Next attempt is the 30^th cycle……

Cramps on and off all day, no Af yet. Prob show up first thing in the morning.

13 dpo. Temp 36.79. I thought Af would be here this morning but nothing yet but don’t want to think anything because my “normal” day of Af is on 14 dpo. Temp up a bit though which is maybe a good sign…..So far no cramps which worries me at the same time…..

I will be back..

I had a afternoon nap and got cramps after that and felt really nauseated. Went to the bathroom and there was blood. Bummer. I don’t know how I can cope soon, this is inhumane, what have we done to deserve this. I really wonder.