On the weekend I was asked “when are you two having kids”. Having???? Having????WTF??? Gee, how simple would that be…..I am having spaghetti carbonara for dinner …and one kid please. People that have not experience this shit journey of being infertile…arghhh…it can make me furious sometimes.
It is so hard even to try to explain, where do you start? Not only after the shock of not being pregnant after the “magic” year of trying, other things start to creep up on you. Starting to get scared that there is something wrong with you and for some couples, like us, it took quite a lot of persuading for my partner to even go and get tested. In the mean time I for example started to use ovulation prediction kits so hopefully know when you ovulated and have a better chance of conceiving. No joy, then I started to take my temps to help me understand my cycle (I still use it - it is very addictive)and to make sure things are ok there. (Charts tell you a lot about your cycle) ......Sex is still ok – you have fun lying with your feet up for half an hour or bunking 4 pillows under you butt while sleeping after attempts of babymaking. We have had good laughs about this!!!
Now suddenly 2 years has passed. No baby. We know by now that there is sperm problem for our part, but still not so bad that it is impossible. About 5% chances we got apparently. Not a lot but hey – we got to try anyway. It is about now when I start to get extremely upset while seeing other woman around me getting pregnant. I have lots and lots of times rushed into a bathroom and cried my eyes out. It is a pain in my heart that rarely goes away but it enhanced on certain occasions. You start to have silly ideas about your own fertility and think there must be something you are being punished for. Maybe my partner will leave me now? Stupid things like that pops up.
Then the moment comes where you start to receive help. IVF. Another chapter in our lives where the hope is colossal – deep inside you feel so relieved that now finally things will happen. Thank goodness for technology. But for a lot of the couples it still is a long journey ahead. After 3 ivf’s and 3.5 years later for us - we still have no joy and sometimes I am so scared that it makes me ill. Plus so disappointed beyond despair. I am sick of waiting but I have no choice. It could driveanybody nuts. My partner is much more relaxed about it - I think it is a female thing.
Just imagine having sex for 3.5 years (and beyond for other couples) with back of your mind that is for making of a baby....ALL the time. Gee, in the beginning it was amazing – a special moment of the maybe conception…..then it is all about when you have special mucus or your temp is very low or that the ovulation kit has given you a plus…very romantic indeed.
Just imagine seeing all of your friends and other people around you walking around with a babybump or stroller with a cute little newborn in it – it is so in your face of how lonely and empty your own life is. Of course there is anger sometimes and jealousy and lots of tears. Mostly it is just sheer pain and loss of something so special that I just want to cry thinking about it. Then THAT friend is having her second child – all during that time you have been trying. It sucks. Sometimes I can’t handle it. I every so often decide not to go to gatherings – avoiding the impact.
I don’t know it if is a blessing most of the time that people do not talk to you about it – I believe I would be very upset with their ignorance. How can you understand something like this if you haven’t experienced it? I still though get upset with people who are insensitive. You are almost damned if you do and damned if you don't...sort of anyway.
Then we have the age issue too. I know I left it late - we started to try when I was 34. I am now 38. I don't want to be older...I be 39 before the future baby arrives....yikes
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